The Dreaded Memphis Three-Lane Sweep...A Step-by-Step Look at this Memphis Phenomenon

For those of you who are not from Memphis, have never lived in Memphis and care nothing about Memphis…please pay no attention to this diatribe. The infamous and now sorely rampant Memphis Three Lane Sweep. I am sure all of you have seen it; but, maybe you just didn’t know what happened. It goes a little something like this. You’re on the South Loop of I-240, somewhere between Airways and Perkins. You’re cruising along nicely at 70 miles an hour in the right lane and keeping up with the flow of traffic. The weather is nice, so you have the windows down and Tom Petty is on XM and the lyrics to Learning to Fly are reverberating in your soul. Suddenly and without warning a 1994 Nissan Altima with only one hubcap, a cracked rear window, a broken left rear turn-signal, a dent the size of Rhode Island in the right rear quarter panel, window tint four shades past legal, and a license plate taped to the said cracked rear window comes out of no where and is now attempting to take your space in the right lane without a turn-signal. You’re faced with a monumental decision, you can: (a) take one for the team and learn why two objects can not exist in the same space without a violent reaction, a little thing we like to call an accident; (b) slam on your brakes as the “bogey” sweeps into your lane and pray to God that the driver behind you is paying attention; and (c) swerve to the right to avoid the Scud that was just launched at you and pray, again to God, that you don’t hit a car abandoned in the emergency lane, wrap your car around a light pole, and/or lose control of your vehicle and fly through the median and end up in a ditch, while Tom Petty’s song “Learning to Fly” has just taken on a whole new meaning. You have just been the victim of…drum roll please…the Memphis Three Lane Sweep. What exactly just happened and why is it called the Memphis Three Lane Sweep (MTLS)?

I’ll break it down in an easy to follow step-by-step process:

Step 1.

The driver of the Altima Scud; which we will hence forth refer to as the “bogey” has been driving along at 75mph in the far left lane listening to his/her preferred choice of music, talking on his/her cell phone to one of their friends and/or relatives, slapping one of the unbuckled rugrats in the back all while slurping on their favorite beverage of the day. This is your “typical” Memphis driver cruising the highways and byways of Memphis; un-alert, preoccupied, and highly dangerous.

Step 2.

The driver of the Bogey, has just decided that they want to take the next exit a mere 270 yards down the road. Now at this point the rational, sane, and well educated driver will consider their options. First off, they will first decide if they can safely make the exit if they can’t they will continue to the next exit and make their way to their location without any further delay. If they can make the exit they will turn their right turn signal on and begin to look for an opening in traffic. They will proceed to change lanes, when and only if there is a safe opening in traffic. They will continue to do this while maintaining a speed relative to the flow of traffic. They will not slam on their brakes and wait for traffic to clear nor will they accelerate like an F-18 off the end of an aircraft carrier. If the traffic allows for it they will make it to their exit; if not they will, as stated earlier, continue onward to the next exit. But, we are not dealing with a rational, sane, or well educated driver. Rather we are dealing with an irrational individual, that is probably a few tacos short of a combo plate, and more than likely not well educated. So, what does this driver do, well that is the beauty of it…no one knows what he/she is going to do…they don’t even know what they are going to do themselves. That is the beauty of it all.

Step 3.

Realizing that their desired exit is now less than 270 yards away and closing fast at their current cruising speed the driver of the bogey is going to go through the following thought process before deciding what to do: ______________________. That’s right they will think of absolutely nothing. Shockingly enough they will not have a thought process before deciding what to do. That is the beauty of your average Memphis driver, when you don’t have a thought process you don’t think of the consequences of your actions. Brilliant. So, having gone through absolutely no thought process what-so-ever; the following actions are going to be caused by the driver of the bogey: (a) they are immediately going to slam on their brakes, while beginning a sharp right hand turn towards the exit that is still quickly approaching; (b) the driver will not signal nor will they look to see if traffic will allow for their kamikaze driving maneuver; and (c) finally they will not consider the reactions that may occur from their actions. Rather in their state of ignorant bliss they will head for their exit in a kamikaze like manner with no regard for the welfare, safety, or reactions of anyone else on the Interstate. Beautiful.

Step 4.

This is where you, cruising along nicely and enjoying Tom Petty, are about to meet the Bogey in the right lane of traffic. The Bogey closing in on your vehicle at 65mph and now at a 45 degree down angle has just cut off a soccer-mom in the middle lane, forcing her to slam on the brakes of her Cadillac Escalade, thereby tossing her Grande Caramel Macchiato all across the dash. The driver of the car immediately behind her has to slam on their brakes and swerve to the left to avoid permanently imprinting the hood of their car with a Cadillac emblem. The Bogey, at this point, still has no idea that they narrowly missed causing a 20 car pile-up and possible injury/death to numerous drivers and is steadily tracking for an impact with your driver-side door. Of course, the blissfully unaware and moronic driver of the Bogey has yet to look away from their exit and has no idea they are about to impact the side of your vehicle. They are on a kamikaze mission and will be damned if anyone is going to get in their way. You are now in decision mode and have only the previously stated options: (a) take one for the team and learn why two objects can not exist in the same space without a violent reaction, a little thing we like to call an accident; (b) slam on your brakes as the “bogey” sweeps into your lane and pray to God that the driver behind you is paying attention; and (c) swerve to the right to avoid the Scud that was just launched at you and pray, again to God, that you don’t hit a car abandoned in the emergency lane, wrap your car around a light pole, and or lose control of your vehicle and fly through the median and end up in a ditch, with Tom Petty’s song “Learning to Fly” taking on a whole new meaning.

Step 5.

You look in your rearview mirror and decide that the car behind you is far enough back and is not going to end up in your backseat as you slam on the brakes and lay on the horn while stringing together a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush, with the bogey narrowly missing you as they careen onto the exit ramp with the last remaining hubcap flying off. The hubcap rolls off into the distance like some eerie warning to those who actually care about their cars. You’ve just survived a classic MTLS and the best part of the whole thing is that the oblivious driver, that almost sent you to the hospital, flips you off as they drive away because you had the audacity to honk your horn at them.

You got to love Memphis.